In this weeks blog, I’m sharing my top tips to plan effectively so that you can prioritise more time for what’s important in your life, how I plan my diary and one very key lesson I learned years ago, which I still use today.
How do you plan? Are you an electronic diary kind of person or, like me, love to have a pretty planner..? Or several..?
Whilst this may seem excessive, I’m yet to find a planner that ticks all my boxes – so I use two or three. One for the home and my interiors projects, one for my Blogs and Missions and one for my Fitness and Wellbeing Goals including the “everyday” . The dream is to take all the aspects I love about the planners I use and add my own little spin. Wonder if you can guess what I’d add? Do you think if I make a wish, it might just happen..?
“The key is not to prioritise what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”
Stephen Covey.
I have used the diaries and calendar from Boxclever Press for years, in fact am sure I was one of their first customers the year they launched which coincided with me becoming a new mum. Writing the important things down is key to managing my time effectively.
I was delighted recently when they asked me to review their new academic diary and calendar for 2021 / 2022 and share with you how I use them and what works for me. These planners are as close to perfect as I can get. They have everything for me as a busy mum of teens and and help me plan my writing and goals effectively.
The new school term for me is a perfect time for a new focus, and yes with that, a new planner! There’s something about having a new pencil case and notebook to reignite the passion around your working life, home life and yes, planning the final quarter of the year, all whilst wondering how that time has passed so quickly!
The planning starts for me before the Autumn term begins. I’m not sure what it’s like in your house but as the school summer term finishes, my inbox starts to flood with fixtures and dates for the new term. As a swim mum, this includes swimming fixtures as the season runs from late August through to the following summer.
Getting everything in place from dates to labelling the school uniform, early in the school summer holidays, means I can relax that little bit more without too many shocks the week before the new school year begins!
“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.”
Stephen Covey
Look after the big rocks first.
The same year I became a first-time mum, I attended a Franklin Covey course on time and life management. There began my love for Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits for Highly Effective People. The biggest lightbulb moment was to look after the Big Rocks first.
The Big Rocks are the things in your life that are MOST important, they go in your planner first. It sounds a simple thing to do, but how many times when we are in the thick of life, we can revert to reactive living and not proactive. With a planner that works for you together with effective planning, life really does seem that much more manageable.
My Top Tips to Effective Planning:
Find a planner that works for you. it sounds really obvious but get to know it, spend time looking at all its functions so you are able to use it to your best advantage.
Put the big rocks in first, including YOU time – book it like an appointment. You wouldn’t miss you appointmentt for your car to have an MOT. Book them in for you too! Easier said than done I know, however practise makes perfect!
Create a system; with pens, stickers, whatever works for you to highlight the important appointments and fixtures that matter.
Create time for a Power of an Hour each day. Having focused time to work on ONE thing, working with intention and without distraction, it’s incredible what you can achieve.
Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail! It’s the little things that have a huge effect on the big things, so simple but true. So plan ahead – if you’re planning on working out first thing in the morning, prepare ahead by getting your kit ready the night before.
Consider how you can limit any stresses that come your way. What do you need in place to limit any stresses that may come your way? As a stationary lover, having a box of birthday and celebration cards to hand is always helpful with children in the house.
Each Sunday, I spend a little time getting prepared for my week ahead. This involves looking at my planner, doing a diary check with the family. Adding and taking out what can help and hinder the week ahead. I confirm my workouts, plan the weekly menu, including the shopping list and print my Consistency Checklist for the week ahead. I’ve created some free downloads which might help you.
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, to say “no” to other things.
Stephen Covey.
Let’s be real.
Trying to plan effectively and having systems in place, are all well and good, but let’s be honest and realistic for a moment, life happens! We can plan for most things, yet curveballs can occur which will send us out of kilter. We’ve certainly learned that in the last year haven’t we?
We all know that it is how we respond to these circumstances that matter so please be kind to yourself. If you drop the ball, that’s ok. I truly hope that sharing some of the things that work for me, help you too. Be kind to yourself and put things in place that work for you.
Let’s talk about habits; the ones that serve us well and the ones that don’t. It’s a bit like choosing your paint colours, you are neither right or wrong. I’ll be sharing my top 7 habits with you, we’re going in deep today!
Over the years habits are made. We shower, get dressed, have breakfast, brush our teeth – these are all habits that we have created and stuck too since being very small. They set us up for the day ahead and can easily be replicated without much thought.
Small habits can creep into our lives without us even realising until we sit up and take notice.
(Tell me I’m not on my own when I might have got into the habit a few years ago of letting the paintbrushes dry without cleaning them? May I add that I have now stopped this habit, honestly!)
Or going online to research something then going completely off topic and finding myself 360 degrees somewhere else? The Scrolling Habit its real! On that note:
Grab a cuppa, a cosy seat and a notebook! (How stunning is this Bear Love Seat from Loaf by the way…?)
Right now you are comfy, take a moment and jot down ALL the habits that you do that work well for you AND those habits that don’t serve you so well.
Take your time…
Be really honest with yourself – no-one has to see this list (you can share with me if you wish, for accountability, but it won’t go anywhere!)
Now you’ve bought attention to those habits – how do you feel? (Keep this list with you, you’ll need it for a bit later on in the blog.)
These small habits, the ones that serve us and the ones that don’t serve us so well, all add up.
Consider this: maybe you’re saving for a new house..
Saving up pennies adds up. Yet, would you give up if you had to save up £10k for a deposit on a house and knew you possibly would never get there?
How do you know you will reach that goal?
Who told you that you will?
Are you really sure?
Have you started to save pennies?
What’s your plan?
The larger goal can be overwhelming, so sometimes we can sit back and do nothing, procrastinate. Telling ourselves the same old story each month, each year, not going anywhere, still stuck, when it’s YOU that holds the key to your sucess..
It’s all up to you.
“Paradigms are powerful because they create the lens through which we see the world…
If you want small changes in your life, work on your attitude.
But if you want big and primary changes, work on your paradigm.”
Dr. Stephen R. Covey
7 Habits of (Effective) Daily Living
I am a huge fan of Franklin and Stephen Covey, having studied a course with the Foundation years ago. The many lessons they taught have stayed with me, from time management, paradigm shifts and especially the 7 Habits of Effective Daily Living. For this reason, I’m sharing Stephen Covey’s Habits in this week’s blog, in the hope that they really help you too. Each habit links to the next, hold onto your hats – they are good!
Habit 1: Be Proactive® Focus and act on what they can control and influence, instead of what you can’t.
Be Proactive is about taking responsibility for your life. Proactive people recognise that they are “response-able.” They don’t blame genetics, circumstances, conditions or conditioning for their behaviour. They know they choose how they behave. Reactive people, on the other hand, are often affected by their physical environment. They find external sources to blame.
If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn’t, it affects their attitude and performance, and they blame the weather.
Proactive people focus their efforts on their Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about: health, children or problems at work.
Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern – things over which they have little or no control: the national debt, terrorism or the weather. Gaining an awareness of the areas in which we expend our energies is a giant step in becoming proactive.
Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind® Define clear measures of success and a plan to achieve them.
Habit 2 is based on imagination – the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. It is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There is a mental (first) creation, and a physical (second) creation.
If you don’t make a conscious effort to visualise who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default. It’s about connecting again with your own uniqueness and then defining the personal, moral and ethical guidelines within which you can most happily express and fulfill yourself.
Stephen Covey suggests one of the best ways to incorporate Habit 2 into your life is to develop a Personal Mission Statement. (Remember those from your Uni days?) It focuses on what you want to be and do, your plan for success. It reaffirms who you are, puts your goals in focus, and moves your ideas into the real world.
Your mission statement makes you the leader of your own life. You create your own destiny and secure the future you envision.
Can you tell why I love Dr Covey’s work? I’m all about the Missions, focus and as you know, I love my Power of an Hours to stop the procrastination!
“People are working harder than ever, but because they lack clarity and vision, they aren’t getting very far. They, in essence, are pushing a rope with all of their might.”
Dr. Stephen R. Covey
Habit 3: Put First Things First® Prioritise and achieve their most important goals, instead of constantly reacting to urgencies.
Habit 1 says, “You’re in charge. You’re the creator.” Being proactive is about choice.
Habit 2 is the first, or mental, creation. Beginning with the End in Mind is about vision.
Habit 3 is the second creation, the physical creation. This habit is where Habits 1 and 2 come together.
Habit 3 is about life management as well–your purpose, values, roles, and priorities.
What are “first things?”
First things are those things you, personally, find of most worth.
If you put first things first, you are organizing and managing time and events according to the personal priorities you established in Habit 2.
“Putting first things first means organizing and executing around your most important priorities. It is living and being driven by the principles you value most, not by the agendas and forces surrounding you.”
Dr. Stephen R. Covey
Habit 4: Think Win-Win® Collaborate more effectively by building high-trust relationships.
“Think Win-Win isn’t about being nice, nor is it a quick-fix technique. It is a character-based code for human interaction and collaboration. Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. There is only so much pie to go around, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me; it’s not fair and I’m going to make sure you don’t get anymore.” Stephen Covey.
Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. (I love win, win situation!)
Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. We both get to eat the pie, and it tastes pretty darn good!
A person or organisation that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:
Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone.
To go for win-win, you not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you also have to be brave. To do that–to achieve that balance between courage and consideration – is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood® Influence others by developing a deep understanding of their needs and perspectives.
Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write and years learning how to speak. But what about listening?
Most people, seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. In doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely.
So why does this happen? Most people, according to Covey, listen with the intent to reply, not to understand.
You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference.
You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.
You might be thinking, “Hey, now wait a minute. I’m just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?” In some situations, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, such as when another person specifically asks for help from your point of view or when there is already a very high level of trust in the relationship. By listening autobiographically, you tend to respond in one of four ways:
Evaluating:
You judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing:
You ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising:
You give counsel, advice and solutions to problems.
Interpreting:
You analyze others’ motives and behaviors based on your own experiences.
Habit 6: Synergize® Innovate and problem solve with those who have a different point of view.
To put it simply, synergy means “two heads are better than one.” Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. It is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. But it doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s a process, and through that process, people bring all their personal experience and expertise to the table.
Together, they can produce far better results that they could individually. Synergy lets us discover jointly things we are much less likely to discover by ourselves. It is the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three, or six, or sixty–you name it.
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw® Increase motivation, energy, and work/life balance by making time for renewing activities.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know this habit so well. I love the whole concept of Sharpening the Saw. The concept means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have – YOU.
It means having a balanced program for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental and spiritual. Such as:
Physical:
Beneficial eating, exercising, and resting
Social/Emotional:
Making social and meaningful connections with others
Mental:
Learning, reading, writing and teaching
Spiritual:
Spending time in nature, expanding spiritual self through meditation, music, art, or service
Sharpen the Saw keeps you fresh so you can continue to practice the other six habits. You increase your capacity to produce and handle the challenges around you. Without this renewal, the body becomes weak, the mind mechanical, the emotions raw, the spirit insensitive and the person selfish.
Trying to create the habit with my family that the hallway isn’t for hats & coats is an ongoing issue! Bench: Cox and Cox
Go back to the list you created at the very beginning.
Have these 7 Habits provoked some thoughts into your own habits? Find your list that you created and re-examine the habits you wrote down..
How did you get those?
What made you so successful at those habits?
Consider ONE thing you can do to create a good habit and ONE thing you will do to ensure you stick to it??
Consider ONE thing you can do to adjust the habit that doesn’t serve you – do you wish to adjust it in anyway?
Start right now, not tomorrow and not next week, right now, change one thing, promise yourself, don’t let yourself down, don’t expect thanks from anyone except yourself. (It’s “tough love” Claire today!!)
You can make a habit of taking a lunch break instead of working through all day.
You can make a habit of taking a walk every day for just 10 minutes, instead of scrolling through social media, getting lost on Pinterest, FB, reading what other people are doing and feeling resentment, feeling sorry for yourself.
You can make a habit of changing something about your nutrition, just one thing a week or a month..
Drinking an extra glass of water a day to replace a cup of tea or a can of fizzy drink is a good habit.
Gratitude is also a good habit to practice feeling it once a day.
It’s all up to you. You’re responsible for your own life, thoughts, feelings, actions.
Promise yourself one thing, stick to it. Repeat tomorrow!
I’d love to know which of the 7 habits are your favourite and why.. Also which habit you might be dropping and which new one you might start..
As always, I read the comments and would love to know your thoughts.
Remember if you’d like to join in the weekly conversation and the Missions I share each week, then please head to Instagram, I’d love to chat there!
Today, I am going ask you to set a reminder to yourself to take one positive action a day and give yourself permission to check in on yourself each day – take just a few moments maybe whilst the kettle is boiling or whilst you clean your teeth…
There’s no doubt these last few months have been very strange, stressful, heartbreaking, unsettling and so much more.. I was delighted to have been asked by Nicky at InsideOut recently to share some thoughts about bringing a little positivity your way as part of her blog series, and so I thought I would share them with you too.
Firstly, how are you? Really?
We ask this question all the time but do we listen, truly and wholeheartedly to the answer? Both when we ask ourselves and when we ask others?
Do you ask yourself how you are and have regular checkins with yourself?
Charlie Mackesy has captured the nations hearts during the Pandemic, putting into words and images what many of us have felt..
I can almost hear you say, “I barely have time to catch my breath, let alone ask myself how I am and act on it!” It’s only natural to feel overwhelm, anxiety and utter distress, when we are faced with difficult situations; illness, job loss, financial difficulties – it’s exhausting, becomes your every thought and it’s possible to feel like you’re going to be stuck feeling like this forever..
What you are feeling, it WILL get better.
With some self nurturing and support from others, we can gradually change our thought patterns and in turn, slowly but surely, start to feel a little better..
“Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself and never mind the rest.”
Beatrix Potter
How can we start to shift that mindset? Lockdown, working from home, home schooling (or emergency schooling as I heard someone call it last week!) isn’t easy – we all know that – it’s busy! So I’m going to suggest focusing on achieving just ONE positive action a day.. just one.
Why?
By doing this, in turn, you’ll feel brighter, have more energy, sleep better and more importantly, feel better about yourself and the situation we are all in.. I’m not promising that by tomorrow morning, you’ll feel on top of the world, but day by day, step by step, small but intentional, positive actions will shift those patterns of thinking and overwhelm.
When you’re thinking about which positive actions to do, break it down into little areas and ask;
What one positive action can I take for my health today?
What one positive action can I take for my family, partner, children, work colleague or neighbour today?
What one positive action can I do for my garden today?
What one positive action can I do for my home today?
What one positive action can do I for ME today?
Mark Twain that said, “Dance like nobody’s watching; love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening; live like it’s heaven on earth.
Mark Twain
Some ideas:
Put on your favourite track and turn it up loud! Sounds crazy I know, but music, can lift the mood and make us feel uplifted.
Plant some bulbs in a pot and enjoy watching them grow on your window sill. My snowdrops started peaking through a week or so ago and it really does make me feel that spring and lighter, warmer days are on the horizon.
Find a new walk where you live that you haven’t done before and commit to doing it at least once a week, rain or shine.
Do you have a room in your house that needs attention and despite Lockdown, you close the door and put off doing anything about it? (or is that just me!) Why not try a #powerofanhour or half an hour and get started? It’s not always fun to start, but often getting started is the hardest right? Read more about how beneficial the #powerofanhour is here.
When our bodies are stressed, the last thing it needs sometimes is additional stress, yet exercise can really help those feel good endorphins rise and that “YES! I did it!” factor of a workout (afterwards!) is great.. However, it’s not all about getting a “sweat on”, yoga, pilates or simply stretching for 10 minutes can also have great benefits too.
Journal – there are days that are fabulous and there are days that aren’t so, but try documenting down three things each day that you are grateful for. No matter how bad things are, there will always be something within your day that you can be grateful for (I don’t mean that patronisingly at all) Trust me I’ve had some pretty low days in my time and sometimes it’s only too easy to get stuck in a rut of negativity. Try this for a week, you’ll shift your state of mind and refocus your purpose.
There are hundreds of apps out there that can help you too including Headspace, Mind Detox and Gaia are all favourites of mine.
“Your now is not your forever”
I love this quote, its a reminder that the rubbish times and also the good times won’t last forever and that the way you are feeling right now shall also pass too.
I really hope these tips for bringing a little positivity to the situation we find ourselves in help you.
I’ve created some planners which I find really useful in keeping me focused and organised which you can find right here.
I hope they will give you a little inspiration so that you can create a feeling of being more in control and less overwhelmed so that you can concentrate on the things that are most important to you. I’d love to know which one is your favourite and which ones you’ll be trying out.
Feel free to share in the comments your thoughts and also what has helped you during the last 12 months.
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I’d share some thoughts and ideas about sharing the love – not just to those you love but to YOU too!
Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine and is celebrated annually on February 14. It originated as a Western Christian Feast Day, honouring one or two early Christian martyrs named Saint Valentine and is recognised as a significant cultural, religious, and commercial celebration of romance and love in many regions of the world.
What do you traditionally do on Valentines Day? Go all out, with chocolates, flowers and a meal? Or ignore the whole event?
As a couple (seeing as my Birthday is the day before Valentines Day) we don’t usually have a big celebration on the 14th February! The teasing he got whenever we went out for a meal on the 13th “Getting the brownie points in early Sir??” or “Don’t blame you, going out the night before, much cheaper!!” were usual questions! Not annoying in the slightest!
We often think that Valentines Day is for the young lovers and some possibly would think this day is even a commercial gimmick but this year, I believe we could all do with a little more love and a little less worry, judgement, no huge gestures required – the pandaemic has changed so much of our lives and we appreciated the little things so much more, don’t you think?
Valentine’s Day in Finland, called ystävänpäivä which translates into “Friend’s Day”. As the name indicates, this day is more about remembering friends, not significant others.
So with this in mind, here are some thoughts that you could treat yourself, your partner or even your best friend, to let them know you are thinking of them and that you care x x
You know I’m an absolute lover of sending Happy Post, I adore finding new brands and I’ve found The Toasted Crumpet and more recently Hip hip Hooray and am so pleased I have. Why not use this opportunity to send a card to someone you’ve not seen for a while or pop a card in the post to arrive in your home? I love the idea and traditions from Finland and might introduce that this year and beyond. What do you think?
The simpler things in life are MUCH more appreciated.
Home Spa Day
Bubble Baths or Spa Days aren’t for everyone – sometimes I struggle to sit still too! A relaxing bath, add candles, a good book, maybe even a glass of something lovely…! Lock the door and enjoy a few moments peace! Remember to leave your phone outside!
I currently loving the idea of a creating home spa. A gorgeous bath, comfy clothes, maybe even a DIY manicure, body scrub or mini facial! They won’t break the bank, leaving you feel a million dollars!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt”
Charles M Schulz
Enjoy the Great Outdoors
Fancy packing up a flask of hot chocolate and head out into the great outdoors for a romantic walk..? We are blessed with the coast and Dartmoor on our doorstep admittedly,
I love The Outdoor Guide, a free inspirational portal connecting all things outdoors.
The Outdoor Guide is “a place for people who love getting outdoors, lacing up a pair of muddy boots and discovering new walking routes in the great outdoors. We’re building a collection of the very best hill walks, mountain walks, woodland walks, lake walks, river walks, coastal walks, village walks, city walks and pub walks, taking take you right to the heart of the finest scenery in Britain.”
It’s a fabulous site to explore and plan your walks. I’m sure you’ll find some fabulous new ones you didn’t know were there!
If in doubt, treat yourself to a little Sparkle!
I’ve been a huge fan of Catherine D’Crovecoeur for quite some time and adore her new collection “Amour Toujours” (Love Always) launched just yesterday. £1 from each pair of earrings sold from the “Amour Toujours” collection will go to the Women’s Aid Charity, helping to keep women and children safe from domestic abuse.
A little message each day..
Esty have some fabulous gifts, supporting small business. Love this Mug I bought my husband last year, a funny little reminder each day!
I also love the idea of a Jar of Dates.. Scribble some ideas of dates where you and your nearest and dearest love to go and pop them in a jar.. WHEN Lockdown is finally over and we can head back into a little normality, take it it turns to pick a date from the jar and enjoy! A fun thing to do with the family too!
It goes without saying that may favourite gift of all time to give any day, let alone Valentine’s Day, would be the Gift of Life. As an Ambassador for the Blood Cancer Charity, DKMS, I’d love you to take a look at the various different ways you can get involved in supporting this fabulous Charity.
Registering as a Donor A blood cancer diagnosis is a shock and often marks the start of a race against time. For many patients, their only chance of survival is to find a matching blood stem cell donor, as fast as possible. That is why donor profiles with all the relevant information, along with the best possible processes, are so important. It costs DKMS £40 to register each new potential blood stem celldonor, but costs YOU nothing. Read more:
With Valentines Day in mind, how about ending a hand in the fight against blood cancer by hosting a virtual #LetsNailBloodCancer party!
The money you raise at your party will help DKMS register more donors who could be a match for a blood cancer patient in need. Host a virtual mani-pedicure party for family, friends and colleagues. Taking part is easy and fun! #LetsNailBloodcancer together.
I’m sure if we asked any parent who’s been home schooling, working at home or a key worker – (in fact anyone!) these last few months what they’d love most, I’m sure a lie-in, time to read their favourite book or watch their favourite episode without interruption would feature quite readily on the list! I know it’s on mine!
The Gift of Time is precious and cost nothing! The world doesn’t always have to turn at a million miles an hour, agreed it is hard to get off the treadmill of life at times! Use this day to treat yourself or those in your household, the 14th February is a Sunday after all!
So many ideas about how you might do things a little differently this year.. I’d love to know what little things you might do to show your loved ones you care this Valentines and especially the little things to love YOU?
Wishing you a Happy forthcoming Valentines Day or as they say in Finland ystävänpäivä (Friends Day)
Traditionally, we all tend to make New Years Resolutions or new plans at this time of year. I really hope we can all be happy, healthy and safe in 2021 and as we adjust to this new life, not to be too hard on ourselves..
This is the first in a series of blogs focusing on using this crazy time during Lockdown to do just that.. This year more than ever, I firmly believe we need to remove “stuff” from our plate that doesn’t serve us, before we start adding more things on. Therefore, giving us more head space and less stress to concentrate on the things that bring us true joy.
In this first blog, I’m asking “what are you letting go of in 2021?” We all talk about being kind to one another and ourselves but when you dial in deeper, what does that really mean?
What does that look like in your day to day life?
I’d love you to grab your journal or notebook, a drink and set a few of moments aside to consider these two questions:
What are you willing to do to ensure you really do look after yourself wholeheartedly this year and beyond?
What are you planning on letting go of this year to make sure that happens?
Don’t worry.. at first you might look at these questions blankly and wonder how to answer. That’s totally OK, it doesn’t have to make sense, you don’t have to know how to get there right now. However by opening the mind, spending a few moments in the quiet, letting your thoughts run free, write the things that first come into your head… Forget punctuation, spelling etc – let that pen run freely across the page.
Then ask yourself the questions again.
The first question, about looking after yourself in a kinder way, might be easier to respond to…
The second question I suspect maybe a little trickier.
One of the emotions I work with in my role as lifestyle and wellbeing coach is resentment. Resentment, along with feeling hurt, especially in relation to letting go of toxic friendships that have built up over time. They are a huge self-limiter on our general feelings of happiness and contentment.
Letting go isn’t just a case of ‘giving it time.’ It can be one of the hardest things ever, because it can often feel protective in the sense of constantly reminding you never to put yourself in a position to be so hurt again.
The Power of Letting go is so therapeutic. It’s not easy, it takes practise. You’ll begin to release emotions and stresses that you have got used to holding onto, maybe as you didn’t know how to let go OR were too worried about about the consequences of doing so. Trust me, you will start to feel so much lighter and more in control as you work on this.
With the second question in mind, yesterday I asked on my Instagram ” Has the pandemic affected your friendships? If so, how?”
These were just some of the responses:
“I’ve realised I don’t like a couple of my friends, constantly sending conspiracy links..”
“There are less frequent trips to the pub, but other than that, my friendships haven’t changed hugely. They’ll still be there when the world gets back to normal”
“Some friends just disappeared now that I can’t drive them around or babysit their kids. So sad how some people form friendships for their own interests, but have also found new lovely friends who are just amazing”
“Yes….I feel connected more to some and others who, looking back, were toxic I have let go …feels good x”
“Life is always so busy that we rarely have time to meet so chatting on the phone has become the norm, in fact FaceTime video has been the norm over the past few years for me.”
“Friendships have grown stronger during the Pandemic, I speak to my best friend everyday x”
“Some friendships have grown stronger. I have realised the friends who are actually really there during the tough times”
“My friends have always been really important to me, but they’ve become even more so during these times”
“Yes! I’m much more in contact with those who matter digitally”
“In short yes. I have become much closer with my good friends and, with a couple, we have really reconnected. I feel like my friendship groups have re-centred too. Before, I spent most of my time with school mums because we saw each other daily. Over lockdown it was my ‘lifelong’ friends I spent most time with (virtually speaking). Some of my wider friendship groups have waned to the point where we don’t even really say hello anymore. xxx”
“Yes! When friendship fall below our expectations it is always hard. I have suffered from those over the years. I try to view those experiences as areas of self growth ( even if painful) I now do not prioritise friendships over family, before I would juggle the family to fit in friends and I believe that this is right ( unless an emergency) and I also realise the value of my friendship, I am very loyal and true and my kindness has been exploited by others in the past. I am now more wary of whom deserves my time.”
Fascinating isn’t it? I haven’t shared all the responses, but the general feeling was that
1) The friendships that were important and mattered, had become much stronger.
2) Those friendships that were causing frustration before or during the pandemic had become weaker or non-existent.
My granny always said to me from a very young age “treat others how you wish to be treated and all will be well!” Sadly as we all know this isn’t always the case. Yes, I’ve been hurt too and remember a time last year, when someone I considered a friend was going through a really tough time. I shared empathy and kindness, checking in from time to time to ensure they were OK and that I was thinking of them. Yet this was greeted as if my actions were being the opposite, in turn, she has decided she no longer wished to have my friendship and has erased me from her life. It was just horrid, has made me very sad, affecting my self-worth. I questioned my beliefs, moral compass and true values. Life isn’t always easy huh?
I wonder if any of this resonates with you? If you feel that you can relate to any one of the comments above or my experience, know that you are not on your own..
Having reflected lots and moved on, I feel SO much happier.. Sad that it happened at all, but again, wise words from my granny “it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.” Yes, I faltered, I questioned myself but on reflection, it’s okay to be ME! Not everyone is the same or shares the same values and you know what? That’s okay.
I truly value my friendships, being immensely loyal, I’ll always have your back. If you choose to confide in me, you can be sure it won’t go anywhere, I’ll always be true (once a nurse, always a nurse!) I love these quotes by Sylvester McNutt and Brene brown, they have certainly helped me during this time:
May you attract the type of friends who are going to hold you to a higher standard.
May you create the space for others who love you, but who won’t allow you to settle for less than you deserve”
Sylvester McNutt
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!”
Brene Brown.
So how DO we create boundaries around our friendships or find the Power to Let Go of things in our lives that no longer serve us or make us happy?
Here are my thoughts:
Setting Boundaries around what is acceptable and what isn’t..
Have an open and transparent conversation if you can. Come to the conversation with good heart, good intention and empathy.
Journal – openly and honestly. Please don’t keep your feelings caught up inside.
Practice – saying no! It doesn’t have to be no, full stop. Try ” thank you for thinking of me, I’m unable to help this time but do consider mew in the future”
Don’t wait for ‘time’ to heal. Be proactive in letting it go, be kind to yourself. You are worthy and enough.
Surround yourself with positive people who bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.
It’s not possible to go back in time and fix a bad childhood, but with love, trust and understanding, it IS possible to fix a failing friendship, IF and only IF that’s what both want. “Your past does not equal your future.” Tony Robbins.
It’s important to remember that YOUR boundaries are important with all relationships: at work, at home and with your friendships and I believe certainly even more so during the last 12 months, going into 2021 and beyond.
Healthy relationships are based on mutuality and require boundaries and trust.
Toxic relationships are the ones where we feel as though we have just been run over or drained.
These relationships often leave us feeling undermined or devalued. Our job is to uphold our boundaries.”
Brene Brown.
It is also key to remember that this is a crazy time! We are all out of sorts..
We can be distracted, certainly in our own little bubbles, simply trying to do the best we can on a day by day basis. We all know many friends and family members that have lots going on behind the scenes, be very busy just trying to juggle life, work, home schooling etc. It doesn’t always mean that person is rejecting you as a person or doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore…
If you are no longer hearing from a friend, consider why? Maybe they are having a really bad time and just need someone to reach out to them, as they are struggling to pick up the phone and call you. Perhaps they misread or misinterpreted something you’ve said or texted. It’s okay to reach out and ask.. You’re friends after all right?
Let me remind you of those two questions again:
What are you willing to do to ensure you really do look after yourself wholeheartedly this year and beyond?
What are you planning on letting go of this year to make sure that happens?
Go back to your initial thoughts you wrote down. How do you feel? Has anything changed?
Every day is a new day, a chance to make new choices. Learning how to move on from experiences and situations of the past, means you’ll have so much more energy to focus on the things that truly make you happy and not the negative energy that brings you down. You can’t take back an unhealthy relationship, but you can learn from it.
I really hope this has helped you, I’d love to know your biggest take home / lightbulb moment in the comments below, together with how you’ll take action this week.
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Wishing you a very happy and healthy week ahead,
Love
PS If you are struggling with the January Blues, check out the blog I wrote last year which might help you -> CLICK HERE
I’m the creator of Woman on a Mission, a lifestyle space dedicated to helping women bring more calm, confidence and balance into everyday life. Born from my own journey to slow down and live with greater intention, it offers inspiration around wellbeing, organisation, home and mindset, one meaningful mission at a time
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